Guilt

I feel guilty...really guilty...i think i am stupid.

The doctors were asking us in the hospital, how come we did not notice a change in his face or lip color. Meaning that from what they see, it is purple/bluish. I told them no i didnt realise it was that obvious.

I mean i saw his lips were a dark redish color, but i thought it was ok..as in normal. But now as i look back at his photos past months, yes it really is very obviously darker...and perhaps that was a sign that i should have noticed his oxy levels were decreasing...and yet as his mum i didn't notice this obvious change..feel like kicking myself hard...how could i not have seen this?

And i still made him do tough tummy time...:(....i'm so sorry baby, forgive Mummy...i promise after ur second op, i wun smack u at all even though you're naughty..and tummy time we'll do few times a week only and shorter..ok? Dun be angry at Mummy.